So Sing To Me Stranger, In Sadness Or Anger

So I'm pretty sure I haven't felt this way for awhile. No, this isn't about a guy. Shocker! It's that I'm dreading going back to school. Dreading isn't the correct word. I wish with all my heart I wasn't going. Yet at the same time I don't want to stay here. I have a house now, not a home. And I've written to death how Vermont will never be my home. I've been reading Erin's livejournal entries as of late and seeing how much she loves it up there. I haven't seen her that happy in a while...er, read it for that matter. I wish I could be that happy. But there is something in me that wants to just disappear off the face of the earth for awhile and start everything over. You know, like when you're just about to fall down the fire pit in Super Mario Bros. and you just lost your last life. Instead of watching Mario fall down to his doom and hearing the obnoxious music, just push the restart button and start over from the beginning. The princess will never know that you were so close to saving her and yet you failed at the last moment. I wish I could just start it all over and not have anyone realize how close I've come to succeeding and then crashing and burning at the last possible moment. I just want things to be okay again. I don't care where that means. Boston. New York. Seattle. California. Anywhere but here. New Hampshire has nothing left to offer me. I'm going to end up draining my bank account again while paying for gas to get out of Vermont. Canada could be fun if I went with the right person/people.

I finally cried this morning. I cried for the first time since forever. You'd think I'd be crying because I was leaving my friends, family, the life I've finally gotten used to again. But the truth of the matter is that I cried because I don't know what my life has become really. I lost another summer. I promised myself that I wouldn't let it happen again, but I failed. As usual. There you go Mike. You keep telling yourself that you learn from your mistakes and won't repeat them but you have fallen into the same pattern as last year. Making empty promises about things you wish you could control but eventually let spiral out of control. Don't you wish you had even a shred of your life in order?

I packed up all my life
And dusted off that old frame
And in it was a face I haven't seen in a while
A face of you, of I, when we were happy
What will it take to get me back
To give me a happy beginning
What distance do I have to travel
How many prayers do I have to pray
Chasing after falling stars doesn't seem to get me anywhere
I hope to wake up tomorrow and have it be a decently mediocre day
But we both know that no matter how much you dream
You'll never get out of here, get out of the life about which you scream